last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
