smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
