Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
