maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just had sex bonerless
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
