How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
