I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
