im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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