Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
