I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
