So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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