I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This is the high leading the old right now
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
