Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
