life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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