There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
