I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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