you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
