It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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