I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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