you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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