For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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