that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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