btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
