I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
