He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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