If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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