I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
