This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
