dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
