I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
ugly people sure do ruin things
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Are we still banned from the library?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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