I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
