Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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