And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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