You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
