i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
