you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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