Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
