i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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