She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
