a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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