Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
