it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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