you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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