My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
