thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
