Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
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i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
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Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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