So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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