I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
His nipple licking is glorious
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