i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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