I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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