You made me cry and you don't even care
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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