You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
