i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
where does the pee come out of this thing
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
