I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
