he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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