I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I need moral support for this bender
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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