a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize