I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
