take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
