The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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