its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
